It had become natural for us to meet at the café.
Kangyeon would arrive first and order a vanilla latte. Yeonwoo would come later, order an Americano, and sit across from him. These days, Yeonwoo only wore one earbud. The other one was on Kangyeon's side. Kangyeon didn't know whether that meant she was okay with him talking to her or if it was just a habit, but he decided to believe it was the former.
"It's cold today."
Kangyeon said it, and Yeonwoo nodded as she drank her Americano.
"You came without a padded jacket?"
"Because I'm not cold."
It was a lie. The tip of Yeonwoo's nose was red from the cold.
"Should I get you a hot chocolate?"
Yeonwoo looked at Kangyeon.
"Why?"
"Your nose is red. You look cold."
Yeonwoo's eyes wavered ever so slightly. It lasted only a brief moment, but Kangyeon didn't miss it.
"…I'm fine."
"I'm ordering one for myself anyway. I'm just getting an extra."
It was a lie. Half of his vanilla latte was still left. Yeonwoo must have noticed that too, but she didn't call him on it.
"Then I'll accept it gratefully."
Kangyeon went to the counter and ordered a hot chocolate. On his way back, he looked at Yeonwoo. She was gazing out the window. The sun was setting. The glow of the sunset settled over Yeonwoo's face. Kangyeon stopped walking.
That expression.
It was an expression Yeonwoo sometimes wore. She looked like she wasn't thinking about anything, but in truth, her face showed that something was on her mind. I knew that expression well. It was the face Yeonwoo made when she was lonely.
He set down the hot chocolate. Yeonwoo turned her head.
"Thank you."
"Don't mention it."
Yeonwoo wrapped both hands around the hot chocolate. Her hands were cold, so she was warming them against the cup. The cup was doing now what I had always done for her.
"What do you do, Kangyeon?"
Yeonwoo asked. It was the first time she'd shown any curiosity about him.
"I'm a freelancer. I work in design."
It was an answer he had prepared. If he needed to explain why he came to the café every day, being a freelancer was the most natural excuse.
"So you work here every day?"
"Yeah. I can't focus at home."
"Me neither."
Yeonwoo said it, and Kangyeon blinked.
"You can't focus at home either?"
"No, I get annoying messages when I'm home."
Jin Woobin, obviously. Kangyeon ground his teeth inwardly.
"That annoying person is still bothering you?"
"…Yeah."
Yeonwoo took a drink of her Americano. Her face was blank. Truly uninterested. That was Yeonwoo—talking about her boyfriend with an expression like that.
"Why don't you cut him off?"
Kangyeon asked. If he were Dohwa, he never would have asked so directly. But Do Kangyeon was a man Yeonwoo didn't know. Questions from a stranger could be taken lightly.
Yeonwoo looked at Kangyeon. For a long time.
"…Because it's a hassle."
"You don't cut him off because it's a hassle?"
"Cutting him off takes energy too."
Kangyeon closed his mouth. That was so like Yeonwoo. Too much like Yeonwoo. She couldn't even be bothered to cut him off because she didn't care. The one getting angry was Kangyeon. It had always been that way. When he was a woman, and now too.
They left the café. It was dark outside. The wind was blowing. Yeonwoo turned up the collar of her coat.
"Get home safe."
Kangyeon said it, and Yeonwoo nodded before turning away.
The wind blew hard. Yeonwoo's hair fluttered. Kangyeon instinctively reached out. He managed to catch a strand before it stuck to her face.
Yeonwoo stopped.
Kangyeon stopped too. His hand was above Yeonwoo's hair, beside her ear. It was hovering just short of touching her.
"…I'm sorry."
Kangyeon pulled his hand back. His heart was pounding like crazy.
Yeonwoo looked at him. This time, there was an expression on her face. It wasn't surprise. It was the expression of someone remembering something.
"…No, it's okay."
Yeonwoo said it and took a step back. But her gaze remained fixed on Kangyeon.
"Kangyeon."
"Yeah?"
"What perfume do you use, by any chance?"
Kangyeon froze.
"Perfume? I don't use any."
"Fabric softener?"
"…Oh, I do use that."
"Which one?"
It was a strange question. But Yeonwoo's eyes were serious. They were the eyes of someone trying to confirm something.
"Downy. The purple one."
Yeonwoo's expression changed. Barely. Her eyes widened slightly, then returned to normal.
"…I see."
"Why?"
"No reason. Just wondering."
Yeonwoo turned away. This time, she didn't stop and kept walking. Kangyeon stood there, watching her back.
Why did she ask that?
It was strange. Why ask about fabric softener? Kangyeon tilted his head, then stopped.
The purple Downy.
It was the one I used. I had used it continuously since high school. Whenever Yeonwoo came over to my house, she would say, "Your clothes always smell the same. It smells nice." I liked hearing that, so I never changed it.
Even after becoming a man, I never thought about changing it. It was a habit. Just a habit.
Could it be…?
Cold sweat ran down Kangyeon's back.
Does she remember the scent?
When he got home, he checked his phone. He had a KakaoTalk message.
Yeonwoo: Dohwa Yeonwoo: Something weird happened today
Kangyeon's hands trembled.
Dohwa: What? Yeonwoo: You know that guy I meet at the café? Yeonwoo: He smelled like you
Kangyeon set down his phone. His heart was pounding up into his ears.
Dohwa: What kind of smell? Yeonwoo: Downy Yeonwoo: The one you always use Yeonwoo: But do men even use it? Dohwa: Men use it too. It's not like Downy's just for women. Yeonwoo: I guess not Yeonwoo: It just surprised me a little Yeonwoo: For a second, I thought you were there
He pulled the blanket up.
For a second, I thought you were there.
Yeonwoo had said that. A stranger smelled like Dohwa, and for a moment, she thought Dohwa had come.
But it was me. It was me, and I had been right in front of her.
Kangyeon buried his face in his pillow. Maybe he should change his fabric softener tomorrow. But he didn't want to. This was my scent. If I changed it, it felt like I would truly disappear.
His phone rang once more.
Yeonwoo: Oh, and Yeonwoo: That guy's name is Do Kangyeon Yeonwoo: Your name has Do in it too Yeonwoo: Maybe it's because the way he acts and his preferences are like yours Yeonwoo: I keep seeing you overlap with him
Kangyeon stopped breathing.
Dohwa: There are tons of people with Do in their names Yeonwoo: Right? Yeonwoo: It just seemed interesting
Kangyeon shoved his phone under the pillow. The promise. Could he keep it? In this body, with this face, could he stand in front of Yeonwoo and say, "I'm Dohwa"?
He still didn't know. But today, Yeonwoo had remembered the scent of the fabric softener I used. Somehow, that alone made him feel like he could hold on a little longer.
The sound of the wind came from outside the window. Kangyeon pulled the blanket up to his chin and lay on his side. The scent Yeonwoo had once said she liked lingered on his pillow.