“Kak, I’ve been cleaning since this morning, but I still haven’t finished. I can’t go,” I replied when he texted me.
I was lying. It was the first lie I’d told since deciding to come back. I wasn’t lying about cleaning. I really had been cleaning, scrubbing the kitchen and sorting through things I no longer used. My kitchen shelves were too small to hold much.
I could’ve gone after I finished cleaning. I probably still had enough time, actually. But I suppose my resolve had never been firm to begin with. God, why had the trip home become so difficult? It felt as though I had to be dragged there.
“I’m sorry, Kak,” I continued.
“All right. We can meet tomorrow, Ana. I’ll come visit you. Hopefully you’ll be awake by then.”
I imagined his expression as he replied. He was probably smiling, though there might have been a hint of disappointment beneath it. I was rejecting him again.
“Thank you, Kak.”
“Ana, come sit with Mom for a while.”
Mom waved me over and patted the empty space beside her on the bench in the backyard. I had just gotten myself a drink from the kitchen. I went over and sat beside her. My hand reached for a piece of chocolate martabak. Warm coffee had already been set out beside the martabak and Mom.
“Mom, what are you doing out here so late?” I asked, making small talk.
Mom sipped her coffee, her eyes gazing into the night. Tonight, the stars were revealing themselves one by one, keeping the moon company as it made its way only halfway across the sky. No wonder it was cold. There were so many stars. I pulled my jacket tighter around me.
“Ana,” Mom called softly.
I turned toward her, waiting for her to continue. She seemed to have a lot on her mind if she was sitting out back alone this late at night.
“Are you all right, sweetheart?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, furrowing my brow.
Mom was silent for a moment, perhaps weighing her words.
“Lately, you’ve been spending more time alone in your room,” the middle-aged woman beside me remarked.
I looked away. Mom’s question had struck a nerve. I didn’t know how to answer her without making her worry even more.
“I’ve just had a lot of work, Mom,” I said, making up an excuse.
The truth was, I didn’t have any work to do. I was a working woman, not a college student anymore, staying up day and night to finish assignments and earn an A. Mom nodded at my answer.
“Maul has arrived, Na.”
At last, Mom brought him up. Maybe he was what she had really wanted to talk to me about. His arrival. The fact that I rarely went to see him.
“Yeah, Mom.”
Mom turned to me and stared intently. This time, her expression was serious. “You haven’t gone to see him?”
I turned my face away. Mom sighed, then went back to watching the plants in the backyard. She grew many kinds of vegetables, along with chili pepper plants. Thanks to her little garden, our family’s expenses were a little lighter.
“Ana, do you still love him?” Mom asked after a few moments of silence.
I tipped my head back and gazed at the moon for a long while. Love? Did I love him? I was confused myself about how to answer. If I loved him, why did it feel so ordinary? Why wasn’t I more excited to see him? I was beginning to doubt my own love.
“Why have I become like this, Mom?”
Instead of answering, I threw out the question that had been weighing on me ever since before he arrived. My eyes began to burn.
I loved him. I missed him. And yet, I doubted my own words. If I loved him, why had I rejected him again? Why wasn’t my heart racing with anticipation at the thought of seeing him tomorrow?
... (to be continued)