When I was seventeen, I once seriously considered a very important question.
If Bai Shijun and my mom fell into the water at the same time, who would I save first?
"No, that's not the point!"
I snatched the fries-shaped crackers out of Xiuya's hand, and she immediately reached for them.
"Then what is the point?"
"The point is that you just asked me who I would save first if Bai Shijun and my mom fell into the water together."
Xiuya shrugged, completely unfazed.
"I was just asking."
"The question itself is messed up."
"Then answer it."
I stuffed a fry into my mouth and thought about it seriously.
"I can't swim."
"So I'd stay on the shore and call an ambulance."
"Yin Zhixia."
Xiuya sighed deeply and snatched the fries back from me.
"What?"
With a fry dangling from my mouth, I sat cross-legged, completely devoid of any teenage-girl image.
"You're seriously useless."
"What else am I supposed to do? Jump in and make the fire department rescue three people at once?"
Xiuya rolled her eyes so hard it was practically athletic.
That year, I was seventeen, a sophomore in high school, and it was the first year I liked Bai Shijun.
I had no idea I was capable of liking someone that much.
Strictly speaking, it was all Xiuya's fault.
One Friday after school, the two of us were sitting in the very back row of the bus when she suddenly shoved her phone in front of me.
"Look at this."
"No, I'm exhausted."
After taking tests all day, my brain only wanted to shut off.
Teachers were ridiculous, too. They handed out tests nonstop without ever taking a break themselves—or giving us one.
"Just look."
"I'm going to sleep."
"Bai Shijun!!"
I looked at her, confused.
"Who?"
Xiuya turned her whole body toward me in shock and held her phone screen right in front of my face.
"You don't know Bai Shijun?"
I shook my vacant head. "Do I have to know him?"
She looked at me like I was a caveman, then ignored my objections and shoved the other earbud into my ear.
"Talk after you watch it."
"I. Am. So. Tired."
That's what I said, but my eyes were already honestly focused on the screen.
It was a stage video. Several guys stood beneath the lights, and not long after the music started, the camera cut to one of them.
Black hair. Black stage outfit. Beautiful eyes.
When he danced, he was completely different from the people next to him.
At first, I was still lazily leaning against the back of my seat. But after watching for a few seconds, I slowly sat up straight.
He's so handsome!
The thought suddenly appeared in my head.
"…Who is that?"
Xiuya didn't answer.
I asked again.
"Who is that?"
She turned to look at me, the corners of her mouth already struggling not to curl upward.
"Bai Shijun."
"The Bai Shijun you just mentioned?"
"Well?"
"He's okay."
I deliberately pursed my lips, forcibly dragged my gaze away, and pretended not to be interested.
"Ohhh."
"What's with the 'ohhh'? I just think he's… kind of handsome, that's all."
Xiuya smiled maliciously. "I didn't ask if he was handsome."
Damn it.
I shoved the phone back into her hand.
"Here. I don't want to watch anymore."
"Really?"
"Really."
I crossed my arms over my chest and closed my eyes, pretending to fall asleep. But Bai Shijun's face kept appearing in my head like crazy.
Five minutes later, I patted her shoulder.
"Hey."
"What?"
"Send me that thing from earlier."
She looked at me.
"Which one?"
"That one."
"Which one?"
"Bai…" I suddenly felt embarrassed saying his name. "The video of the black-haired guy from earlier."
"Ohhh, Bai Shijun? Ohhh?"
"Are you going to send it or not?!"
She laughed like an idiot. "Okay, okay. I'll send it to you."
That night, after I showered, I lay in bed and opened the video she'd sent me.
At the time, I really only wanted to watch it one more time.
Just once. Then I'd go to sleep.
But after it ended, another recommended video popped up below it—Bai Shijun's fancam.
Okay, fine. It was only three minutes.
Who knew that three minutes later, there would be a Bai Shijun practice-room video?
Just one more. One more, that's all.
—A Bai Shijun backstage clip.
—A Bai Shijun variety-show clip.
It never ended. My finger kept opening videos with that face in them.
It was two in the morning. I had to get up early for school, but I genuinely couldn't control my urge to learn more about this person.
In just a few short hours, I learned that he liked spicy food and had studied taekwondo when he was little.
I even went looking for a trainee video with such terrible image quality that you could barely make out his features.
At around 3:40 a.m., I finally put my phone down and stared silently at the ceiling for five seconds.
Then I picked up my phone again and typed three characters into the search bar.
Bai Shijun.
I was doomed. He really was kind of handsome.
A week later, I bought my first album ever.
We stood in front of the shelves at the album store, watching me pick up an album by NOVER, the group Bai Shijun belonged to.
The end of the month was approaching, and my allowance was almost gone.
I stared at the two albums in my hands, one in each, and agonized over them forever. No matter how I looked at it, I couldn't choose.
"Which one am I supposed to buy…?"
I wanted both, but my wallet clearly refused to let me dream that big.
"Didn't you say he was just okay?"
Xiuya.
"Yeah."
"Then what's in your hands?"
"Albums."
My wallet might not have allowed me to dream that big, but fortunately, I had a lending bank right next to me.
"Xiuya, I'm short on allowance. Lend me some money."
I put on the brightest smile of my life and held out my hand.
Yes, I admit it.
Because of Bai Shijun, I fell into NOVER, a group one year after debut, and became one of their fans.
Their fandom name: EVER.
NOVER + EVER → NOW & FOREVER
They said that as long as EVER remained, NOVER's present would become forever.
NOVER was made up of three members.
The oldest—Bai Shijun, nineteen.
He was the group's leader, main dancer, and rapper. He was 186 centimeters tall and claimed that a guy's weight was just as much of a secret as a girl's, so everyone should focus on appreciating his abs instead.
The second oldest—Li Zhihao, eighteen, currently taking a leave of absence from high school.
He had an absurdly delicate face and was the group's visual. He was also the first publicly revealed member when NOVER announced their debut. He was 180 centimeters tall, the main vocalist and high-note specialist.
The youngest—Liu Junxia, seventeen, a high school senior.
For now, he was juggling school with a packed schedule. He was 182 centimeters tall and the group's adorable maknae. His unexpected deep voice and rapping had completely captured EVER's hearts.
And just like that, NOVER and Bai Shijun barged into my heart and my life.
My first album was for Bai Shijun.
The first photocard I wanted to pull was Bai Shijun.
The first time I saved money to buy concert tickets was for Bai Shijun.
The first time I screamed in front of a ticketing page for a man who didn't even know I existed was:
"Please! Please! Please! I've never done anything bad in my life!"
Xiuya said coldly from the other end of the phone, "You stole your brother's pudding just last week."
"That doesn't matter! Bai Shijun matters more right now!"
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Ticket sales opened, and my hand shook uncontrollably on the mouse.
Click, click.
I kept refreshing the ticketing page without giving up until—Your order has been completed.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!!"
I stared at the words, froze for three seconds, then started screaming.
I got tickets!!! I almost dropped to my knees in my room.
The day of my first concert, I arrived three hours early.
Xiuya stopped dead when she saw me.
"Yin Zhixia, did you put on makeup today?"
"…A little."
I gave an embarrassed, foolish smile.
"How come you never put this much effort into getting ready for school?"
"It's different."
"How is it different?"
I pulled a little compact mirror from my bag and lowered my head to fix my hair.
"Bai Shijun is going to see me today."
"You're sitting in the second level. He probably can't even tell whether you're a person or a chair."
I knew that. Our seats really were that far away—so far that Bai Shijun was probably only as big as my pinky onstage.
But the moment he appeared onstage, I still lost my mind.
I really did.
I went completely insane.
"Bai Shijun!!!!"
I screamed so much that I could barely speak the next day.
When I got home, my mom asked, "Do you have a cold?"
"No."
"What's wrong with your voice?"
"…I talked too much yesterday."
There was no way I was going to tell her that I'd spent an entire night shouting the name of a man who didn't know I existed.
But after that, I hid in my room every night and watched concert videos.
Whenever I saw Bai Shijun smile at the audience, I couldn't help smiling along.
Back then, I really thought liking an idol was such a simple, beautiful thing.
He released a new song, and I was happy.
He won an award, and I was happy.
He posted a selfie, and I was happy about that, too.
He could even just change his hair color, and Xiuya and I would discuss it for half an hour.
"Blond is more handsome."
"I like black hair."
East Asians are supposed to have black hair, and the first time I saw him, he had black hair.
"Blond!"
"Black hair suits him better."
"Blond makes him look like an elf, and black makes him look like a prince."
That was my final verdict.
"Yin Zhixia, you're hopeless."
"I know."
I admitted it with complete calm. I had fallen headfirst into the love trap called Bai Shijun.
Bai Shijun was also the reason I started thinking about going into entertainment production.
Back then, I loved watching their behind-the-scenes clips. When other people watched behind-the-scenes footage, they were probably watching the idols.
At first, so was I.
But the longer I watched, the more I started noticing other things.
The camera operators, the lighting, the sets, the staff.
And the person who was always walking around with a walkie-talkie, constantly checking on every step of the process.
One time, I couldn't help asking Xiuya:
"Who is that person who keeps running around over there?"
"Which one?"
"That one. The one who just called for the camera, then told the artists to get ready, and was checking the shot a second ago."
"Maybe the director? Or the producer?"
I started researching those staff members.
The more I looked, the more I suddenly realized—
All the stages, videos, photos, and album concepts I loved had a whole group of people working behind them.
For the first time, a thought occurred to me.
What if I did this, too?
What if one day I could stand in a studio wearing a staff ID?
What if one day I could be in charge of filming Bai Shijun?
The moment I thought of it, I sat up in bed.
I immediately called Xiuya.
"Hey, I've decided."
"Decided what?"
"I'm going to become a producer."
There was silence on the other end of the phone for two seconds.
"…It's one in the morning. Do you want to make that decision tomorrow instead?"
"I'm serious!"
"At the beginning of the year, you said you wanted to open a dessert shop."
"That's different."
"And last year, you said you wanted to be a flight attendant."
That was because I hadn't met Bai Shijun back then, so I made those decisions hastily!
"Whatever! This time, I really mean it!"
"Why?"
Curled up in bed, I answered with complete seriousness. "Because this way, I might be able to meet Bai Shijun."
"What?"
"Nothing." I heard her yawn. "I support you."
Then—click! Beep, beep, beep…
She ruthlessly hung up on me.
Looking back now, that dream really was celebrity stalking on the company dime.
But eighteen-year-old me was completely serious.
I started researching college majors, film and video production, and the entertainment industry. In the end, I actually got into a related program.
"I can't believe you were serious."
The moment Xiuya heard the news, she stared at me in disbelief.
Of course I couldn't let Bai Shijun down after he'd given me this dream. While I was working hard, Bai Shijun kept cheering me on with his voice through his songs!
But the real test was only just beginning.
During my junior year of college, I started interning at a production company.
The first time I walked into a real studio, I was so excited that I barely slept the night before.
And then my very first job on-site was—
Carrying water.
"Zhixia, take these three cases inside!"
"Got it!"
I looked at the bottled water on the floor, then at myself.
For the first time, my dream and reality were visibly out of sync.
But I carried it anyway.
After the water, I carried props. After the props, I fetched boxed meals. After the boxed meals, I printed documents.
"Zhixia! Tape!"
"Coming!"
"Zhixia! The schedule!"
"Coming!"
"Zhixia!"
"What now?!" I shouted, then realized it was a senior coworker who had called me. "…I mean, coming."
The senior coworker glared at me, and I immediately gave my most obedient smile.
When work ended on my first day, I went home and collapsed facedown on my bed.
My mom stood in the doorway, looking at me lying there without moving a muscle.
"Weren't you excited?"
"I was." I stared blankly at the ceiling.
"Then why do you look like a corpse?"
"I suddenly felt the weight of my dreams."
"What weight?"
"It's nothing."
Even though I was exhausted, I went back the next day because I really loved the feeling inside the studio.
Watching a place that had originally been completely empty slowly fill with lights, sets, and equipment—then become an entirely different image through the camera—was incredible. The first time I saw the finished product, I stared at the screen for a long time.
Suddenly, I thought—it was actually pretty cool.
Of course, I still had a very impure motive at heart back then.
Bai Shijun.
I kept thinking that if I continued doing this, I would meet him someday.
But I don't know if fate was deliberately messing with me.
The first time I was in the same studio as him, I was sent out to buy coffee.
When I came back—
"Senior, Bai Shijun… NOVER?"
"NOVER? They just left."
"…They left?"
I stood in the doorway holding twelve cups of coffee, my expression instantly crumbling.
It was the first time I'd ever hated coffee so much.
The second time, I saw his name on the event list. I secretly put on a face mask the night before, only to be reassigned to another area at the last minute that day.
By the time I finished, I heard the other staff chattering.
"Bai Shijun is even more handsome in person. I should've gotten his autograph before he left."
"…He left?"
"Yeah, he left."
I turned to stone again.
The third time, I finally got a project that I would actually be working on with him!!
When I saw the three characters Bai Shijun on the proposal, I almost laughed out loud right there. I even sneaked off to the bathroom to fix my bangs.
Then a week later, his schedule changed, and Bai Shijun canceled the shoot.
I stared at the new schedule for a full ten seconds.
Someone next to me asked, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You look awful."
"I'm just wondering… am I and Bai Shijun cosmically incompatible?"
I said it in a tearful voice, then completed the new schedule with a smile through my tears.
I was still optimistic back then, anyway. I'd already made it into this industry.
I'd meet him someday.
If it didn't happen in one year, then two. If not two, then three.
Bai Shijun wasn't going to disappear, and I wasn't going to stop liking him.
I believed that for a long time—until that thing happened when I was twenty-two.
"Did you see the news?"
When Xiuya called me that day, I was still at the office.
"What news?"
"Bai Shijun."
I had been organizing documents, but my hand stopped for a moment.
"What happened to him?"
"You really haven't heard? I sent you the news. Look at it first."
I hung up and opened the link she'd sent me.
After reading it once, I frowned, so I read it a second time. I still couldn't believe it.
[There has to be more to this story.]
I messaged Xiuya.
She replied: [I don't know either.]
But more and more information kept appearing online.
Videos, photos, different accounts of what had happened.
It even involved people working behind the scenes.
If this had been the old me, I probably would've been the first to jump out and say, No, Bai Shijun isn't that kind of person.
And even now, I still believed that.
But I'd already spent some time in the industry. I knew how hard behind-the-scenes work could be.
I also knew how much pressure one sentence from someone with power and fame could put on a junior staff member.
So I waited for the company to explain. I waited for the situation to turn around. I even waited for Bai Shijun to say something himself.
Anything that would let my belief tell the public and the fans that Bai Shijun wasn't that kind of person.
Anything was fine. I just wanted someone to tell me that what I'd seen in the video wasn't really what happened.
But nothing came.
Later, I learned more things, this time from friends I had made in the industry.
It felt like being betrayed. Like being heartbroken.
But he didn't even… know who I was.
That night, when I got home, I dragged out the cardboard box beneath my bed—the one I hadn't touched in ages.
Albums, photocards, ticket stubs, photo books, fan-support items.
Everything was still there.
I sat on the floor and stared at it for a long time.
My mom passed by my door and glanced at me.
"Are you cleaning your room?"
I nodded.
"Well, that's rare."
"…Mom, your daughter is feeling terrible right now. Can't you comfort me a little?"
"Want some fruit?"
"…Never mind."
She actually turned around and went to cut some fruit.
I lowered my head and kept sorting through the box. In the end, I found my high school notebook and flipped through a few pages.
When I reached the last page, I stopped.
There was something Bai Shijun had once said—a quote I'd copied down myself.
I'd even drawn a heart beside it, which looked incredibly stupid now.
—It doesn't matter when you started liking me. What matters is that I'm the one you keep liking from now on.
I stared at the sentence.
"Liar."
I said it very quietly, then closed the notebook and threw it into the box.
I didn't throw anything away. They had all cost money, and a lot of it.
I could quit the fandom, but wasting money was not an option.
I simply pushed the box back under the bed.
And that was it.
Bai Shijun, the person I'd liked for so many years, officially became my former ult.