After leaving the office, I headed straight to campus.
As usual, my body had already begun demanding rest before I had the chance to give it any. My legs felt heavy, my back ached a little, and my head was filled with all the things I still hadn't finished. The work at the office hadn't completely left my mind, while my college assignments were already waiting to be done.
Sometimes I asked myself, how long would I have to keep living like this?
Work.
College.
Study.
Go home.
Sleep.
Then do it all over again the next day.
But every time that question came up, I always thought of Mama.
I remembered her face.
I remembered all her sacrifices.
And I realized again that I had no reason to stop.
I had to keep going.
Not because I wasn't tired.
But because I knew there was someone I wanted to make happy.
I wanted Mama to enjoy her life without constantly having to worry about her child's needs.
Someday, I wanted to be able to tell her that all this struggle hadn't been in vain.
That the child who once could only receive everything from her was finally able to give something back.
I wanted to change my life.
Maybe that's why I couldn't give up just because my body was tired.
When I arrived on campus, the atmosphere was already completely different from usual.
Afternoon was slowly turning into evening. The sunlight that had filled the campus grounds since noon was beginning to fade. The tall buildings stood in silence, while a few students walked toward the parking lot.
A gentle breeze blew.
I slowed my steps.
For some reason, the campus felt unfamiliar that evening.
Usually, this place was always filled with students' laughter, conversations, and footsteps. But that day, everything felt quieter.
Too quiet.
As if something was waiting for me.
I slipped both hands into my pants pockets.
My fingers touched something.
I stopped.
Paper.
I knew immediately what it was.
Nayla's letter.
The challenge letter she'd given me some time ago.
I slowly pulled it out.
The paper hadn't changed.
Nayla's handwriting was still the same.
Simple.
And yet, for some reason, the longer I stared at it, the heavier it felt.
I sighed.
Why was this letter bothering me so much?
Wasn't I supposed to treat it like it was nothing special?
Nayla had only asked me to prove something.
Nothing more.
At least, that's what I wanted to believe.
But there was one thing that kept me uneasy.
If Nayla really found someone soon, would I be okay?
I tried answering the question myself.
Of course.
I was her best friend.
I should be happy for her if she was happy.
But when I imagined another man walking beside her, listening to her stories, receiving her smiles, even becoming the person she came home to...
My chest felt tight.
I fell silent.
Maybe I was overreacting.
Or maybe I'd simply become too good at lying to myself all this time.
I sat on one of the benches in the campus courtyard.
My eyes turned toward the sky.
I thought back to the past.
Two years.
Nayla had been in a relationship with someone for that long.
I still remembered when it ended.
He cheated on her.
That day, she came to me with puffy eyes. She tried to smile, but I knew that smile was only meant to hide her pain.
I didn't know what to say.
I just sat beside her.
Listening to everything she had to tell me.
Listening to how someone she had trusted so deeply had been able to destroy that trust.
The truth was, there had been so many things I wanted to tell her then.
I was different.
I would never do the same thing.
I would never make her cry.
And what I wanted most to say was...
I'm here.
But not a single word left my mouth.
I chose to stay silent.
Not because I didn't care.
Because I cared too much.
I was afraid.
Afraid that a single sentence could change everything.
Afraid Nayla would pull away.
Afraid our friendship would end simply because I'd been too honest about my own feelings.
So I chose to be her friend.
To be someone who was always there whenever she needed me.
Without ever asking for anything in return.
At least until now.
I lowered my head.
What was it that I really wanted?
I always said I didn't need a relationship.
I didn't need a girlfriend.
I didn't need someone to accompany me every day.
My life was already complicated enough with work, college, family, and all my other responsibilities.
And yet there was one thing I couldn't control.
My feelings.
I could control my schedule.
I could manage my work.
I could control my spending.
I could even force myself to keep studying when my body was already begging me to stop.
But I couldn't order my heart to stop liking someone.
And maybe...
That someone was Nayla.
I closed my eyes.
I didn't want to admit it.
But the more I resisted, the clearer those feelings became.
I liked her.
I just wasn't brave enough to call it love.
Because the moment I called it love, everything would feel much more real.
I stood up from the bench.
"Maybe I'm just too tired."
I tried to reassure myself.
But my feet carried me toward the campus mosque instead.
Maybe I needed some peace.
Maybe I needed a place to step away for a moment from all the noise in my head.
I performed wudu.
The water touching my face made me feel a little more refreshed.
After that, I entered the mosque.
The atmosphere was completely different.
Quiet.
Peaceful.
For a while, I felt as if the world had stopped chasing me.
I performed salat.
Trying to focus my thoughts.
But when I finished and sat down again, that name still appeared in my mind.
Nayla.
I lowered my head.
My hands slowly rose.
No words came out right away.
I just stayed silent.
Then I spoke to Allah in my heart.
Ya Rabb...
If these feelings truly aren't good for me, please take them away in the best way.
I drew a deep breath.
But if You truly allow me to love her...
I paused for a moment.
Teach me how to love without crossing the line.
I don't want to have Nayla just because I'm afraid of losing her.
I don't want to use her as an escape from loneliness.
And I don't want my love to make me forget the goals I've been fighting for all this time.
I only want that, if I truly come to her someday, I come as a man who is ready.
Not as someone who only has feelings.
But as someone with courage, responsibility, and a future.
I smiled faintly.
Maybe I was thinking too far ahead.
But then a thought suddenly occurred to me.
Propose to Nayla after graduation...
I almost laughed to myself.
"Raihan, you haven't even graduated yet, and you're already thinking about proposing."
I shook my head.
Strangely, though, that thought made my heart feel warm.
Maybe someday.
Just not now.
Right now, I still had to keep fighting.
College.
Work.
Family.
The future.
And myself.
I returned to class.
The professor had already arrived.
I opened my book and began taking notes.
For the first time that night, my thoughts felt a little calmer.
I still didn't have an answer to Nayla's letter.
I also didn't know what would really happen between us.
But at least I knew one thing now.
I no longer wanted to run from my own feelings.
I might not be ready to tell Nayla.
But I would prepare myself.
If that opportunity truly came someday, I didn't want to be a man who could only say, "I like you."
I wanted to be a man who could say,
"I'm not here to play games with your feelings. I'm here because I want to make you part of my future."
The night grew later.
After class ended, I left the campus building.
The sky was already dark.
A few stars were visible between the clouds.
I stood there for a moment and looked up at them.
There was a strange feeling I couldn't explain.
As if life was preparing something for me.
Something I couldn't see yet.
Something I still couldn't understand.
I put Nayla's letter back in my pocket.
Then I walked away from campus.
I didn't know that the small decisions I made that night would lead me on a long journey.
I also didn't know that the feelings I'd hidden all this time would become one of the reasons my life changed.
That night, I only knew one thing.
I wanted to keep fighting.
For Mama.
For my future.
For myself.
And if Allah allowed it...
Maybe for Nayla, too.